I'd wear matching sweaters with you
tonight lets celebrate not being married
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
