WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
