He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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