he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You are the jesus of drinking
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
