"it" just moved
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
