Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize