I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
