theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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