I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize