He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
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