my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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