high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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