OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
