Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
