I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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