I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
