This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
