I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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