i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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