I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Congratulations! We have a period
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
