Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
