At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
