when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
