We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
