Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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