Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
