I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
