The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
