Umm I'm too high to move.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
