The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My penis needs a shock collar
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
