I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize