Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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