I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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