Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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