Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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