dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
