the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
