Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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