so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
