I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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