haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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