Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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