I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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