Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
