I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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