If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
