I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I need a beard to bite.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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