I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
