Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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