explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
