My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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