Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
