Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
