sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
