FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
