my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
