why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
