sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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