Whod you bang
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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