Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
