Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
