After last night, I could never be a politician.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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