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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  ..im mad u rememberd about that

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

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• (910): View more from North Carolina

  I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..

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• (727): View more from Florida

  It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.

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• (914): View more from New York

  I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day

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• (281): View more from Texas

  that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.

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• (352): View more from Florida

  Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver

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• (971): View more from Oregon

  He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.

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• (845): View more from New York

  Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.

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• (972): View more from Texas

  Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  What did he say?

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!

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• (520): View more from Arizona

  i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.

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